It Was Driving Her Batty
drive someone batty: fig. to annoy or irritate someone
While Esther sat on her sister's apartment balcony with a glass of juice disguised as wine, she caught sight of a figure flying through the dark sky. Was it a bird? She couldn't tell. It looked awfully quick to be a bird. More confusing yet, it had suddenly fallen out of her view.
This was late into the evening though, so that could be attributed to the night instead of her anxiety.
Then another black figure, not so big at all, flew above her head.
A bat!
It flew in and out of her sights despite staring at an open sky. As if its angled wings could pierce a quick hole into the night to make a shortcut back into the other side of her vision.
Esther wished she could feel like that. She was here for the weekend to do some escaping but it didn't seem far enough.
"You're still out here?" Esther's sister, Delilah, asked. "John thought you had gone on a walk."
"There are bats."
"Do you want to come in?"
A bat dodged one way, no–flew another way to grab something then swooped up.
"I'll stay out here for a little while longer." Delilah wanted to stay for the show.
She heard more clicking in the distance. Her bat friend had more friends slipping in and out of the night along with it. As the moon rose higher in the sky, more little bodies were illuminated. It was becoming hard to tell one bat's chitters from the other. Some sounded more like a zip, like they put their dashes on double time to warn of an imminent collision.
If only Esther could have avoided her big accident.
"Esther," her sister said from a crack in the doorwall. "I must insist you come in before the temperatures freeze your toes off."
The next morning, Delilah's husband John made rhubarb pancakes. She felt like a teenager back when John made these for the whole family. Delilah and John were the "high school sweethearts" type of perfect.
The next morning, Delilah's husband John made rhubarb pancakes. She felt like a teenager back when John made these for the whole family. Delilah and John were the "high school sweethearts" type of perfect.
The exact opposite of Esther. She needed to disappear for a while. To add fuel to the fire, Esther wasn't feeling great, uh, down there, so she had gotten a full panel test for STDs, STIs, and unidentified vaginal objects three days ago when back home in Detroit. She was supposed to have a call from the doctor's office by the end of the third business day. She paid extra to have a rush on the results.
But, to add more fuel to the fire, Ester's phone carrier was going through a black out so while she could see that the doctor's office left her a message, she could not receive it. She was in the dark void she had hoped for last night.
She worried about the message for the rest of the morning and the entire afternoon. Esther considered making it an early night in, but she had also hoped to see the bats this evening. She had set up camp on the balcony at sunset and had patiently waited for them with a bowl of John's chili in hand.
"Are they out yet?" Delilah asked Esther as she opened the doorwall. John was just behind her with two glasses of wine in hand. Delilah offered the glass in her hand to Esther.
"No, thanks," she said while shaking her head.
"For real? What's up with you?" Delilah asked.
The truth? Esther hadn't wanted to have sex with Logan, but the oral was just so bad, and she wanted to get the whole night over so she could go home, but, "I just don't feel that drinking would be useful when I'm down like this."
"Oh, honey," Delilah hugged Esther. "Is it work? You can tell me–us."
"Or you don't have to," John offered. He pointed out to the sky around them. "We can just look at the bats."
The nearly full moon was reaching a high point in the sky. While she was excited to be able to pick out so many bats in the moonlight, she felt she had a spotlight on her place on the balcony. She wanted to stay a secret to the world right now.
Esther sniffed. "Let's look at bats."
The bats quickly soared further up into the moonlight. Esther made a terrible decision letting Logan further into her life. He was a walking red flag.
But she was looking at his potential. Something she would never do for a guy again.
Esther was simply not pregnant. She did not have an STD/E/I/O/U/and sometimes Y. This was just her body stressing out and showing the exact symptoms of feeling burning sensations when she went to pee and seeing an abnormal discharge in her undies while she winced through the experience. She was feeling pain in her pelvis and it wasn't enjoyable having a general feeling of malaise. She was just stressed.
But what the fuck was Logan thinking, anyway? She understood how he wanted to live the Ethically Non-Monogamous life. But he hadn't included any of this in their prior conversations!
And the condom breaking? Who waits until the day after to say "uh, so I forgot to tell you last night but I think the condom might have broken."
Like, what the fuck?
Either she was disassociating or the bats were flying faster. Is that what bats did in their free time? Do time trials with one another?
If she was pregnant, she would just...do what was needed to not be pregnant. She wouldn't tell Logan. She would just not be pregnant and that would be okay. She tried to remember which Patron Saint to pray to about this. She could will and pray her way out of this.
"So um, in between your bat sightings," Delilah began. "John and I actually wanted to tell you something."
Esther's eyebrows rose and her eyes fell upon her sister and her husband of two years hand in hand, looking full of love, life, and a little contempt for Esther's surprise visit. "Yeah?"
"We weren't going to bother you, with you being all busy and successful in Detroit, but, since you're here, you'll notice that the house looks a little different, and we've been acting differently..."
Blood drained from Esther's cheeks. "This is a weird way to break the news that you're getting divorced."
"Esther!" Delilah said. "What gray cloud are you under? We're not getting a divorce, we're trying for a baby!"
Esther's blood ran to her stomach lining. She was going to heave. She could do it over the balcony.
"Esther?" Delilah asked. "Esther, are you okay?"
It would be kind of cute, wouldn't it, to have babies at the same time as her sister? Who cared that Delilah was in a healthy and stable marriage and Esther, should she follow through with a pregnancy, would have Logan and his extended polycule to help with the baby?
Esther was shocked out of her reverie when hearing a bat squeal. Had they gotten hurt? Her veins shivered. "Did you see what happened to the bats?"
"Near miss," John said. He was seated like one would in a movie theater and focused on the Bat Blockbuster before him.
John was so healthy and so healthy for Delilah. That was the perfect situation to bring a baby into. The last time Esther had seen Logan, he was making jokes that bordered on misogynistic.
Was that going to be her future? Was Logan the only available option left? A guy too afraid to be exclusive with one girl that she would need to share him? Maybe this baby was a godsend. Maybe she was to be delivered from her shortcomings in life by delivering a new life.
Fuck.
But more importantly, she needed to be a supportive sister. Esther stood up straight and gathered her sister and brother-in-law into a hug. "I am so excited for you two. Your kid is going to have the greatest aunt."
Delilah scoffed but Esther knew she thought it was funny. "We're going to go inside. We'll let you enjoy your bats, but come inside before dawn, okay?"
Esther sleepily nodded. She had brought out extra blankets just so she could spend the night with the bats. Delilah didn't have to know. She just had to go inside with her husband and look forward to a great life. Esther had to make some big decisions.
However, her emotional support bats seemed to have disappeared. No chitters were heard. Maybe there was a swarm of insects to dine on elsewhere.
Oh–wait, one had pierced itself through the night into her reality once more. Esther tucked herself into the patio furniture with heavy blankets.
God, what a skill. To be able to be here, there, and yonder and have people question if they had even seen you at all…
Esther woke up on the patio furniture. She wondered when her anxiety had tired her out enough to sleep.
Her phone told her it was 8am. It also told her that she had cell service again.
Esther rushed through the apps to get to her voicemail. The message–a very short message–was to call the office.
That meant bad news.
But it didn't have to be. This was just going to be news. She didn't have to decide what kind it was. She could figure it out. She could handle it
But that didn't mean she wasn't all nerves while the phone rang.
She tried to be polite and patient while giving information over the phone but the nurse also had to understand how pressured she felt. Then, finally, the results: "You’re not pregnant. Your tests came back negative for gonorrhea and chlamydia and that, but did come back positive for a yeast infection. We're going to send over a prescription."
A wicked, relieved chuckle gripped onto Esther's lungs before it grew into a jolly cackle that bounced out of her throat. Her head flew back to look up at no particular deity.
"Are–" the receptionist paused. "Is everything okay?"
"No," Esther admits and politely chuckles the rest of her relief out of her body. "Yes. It's just that I've gotten myself worked up over a yeast infection."
"Oh my mom tells me all the time don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you," the nurse said.
"My mom says that, too." Esther laughed more and scraped the unwanted energy off of the balcony. "I'm wondering if I can have you send it to a different pharmacy. I'm out of town for a little while. But I don't know the address. Could I email it to the office?"
"Absolutely just send the name and crossroads if not the address."
"Thank you so much. I appreciate your help."
Esther looked down at the glass of wine Delilah had left there last night. She lifted up with grace and downed it with the same elegance.
Then it hit her.
Plan B was $40. Urgent care was $75. The labs were $25. The prescriptions are going to be a minimum of $12.
$152–a very expensive yeast infection.
Esther only had enough care to offer a simple scoff. She ought to fill another glass to celebrate.
Before coming up with a plan to do so, Esther’s phone chimed with a text: So I know you want to see me again after a great night like last week 🍆😈🍑
A leftover scoff escaped her lips. From now on, she was going to forget the pressures of dating and go off on her own bat.